Slippery

            The sky is blue. The water is inviting. The drinks are cold. The people are as warm as you remember.

            The television ads are Jamaican me crazy.

            A year ago I was preparing for my third trip to the island. Each time I traveled with high school students and their other chaperones, and we offered our muscle to help churches improve their facilities. We also worshiped in those churches (which included dancing in the aisles), visited orphanages, and most fun of all, took the puppets (including my own Joey Manzoni) to schools and churches.

            We saw a side of Jamaica that most tourists don’t. However, we also saw the side advertised on television. Except our cold drinks were some Ting different.

            On my first visit in 2003, I even climbed Dunn’s River Falls in Ochos Rios. To get an idea of how unlikely this is, Google it and see tourists climbing through the rushing water. Try to picture me there. It’s true. I have photographs and video to prove it, and this written account, adapted for my blog:

            I looked up warily at the 600 foot waterfall. Though our Jamaican guide jumped nimbly over the wet rocks, I doubted I would do as well. Following our guide’s directions, our group of 14 American teenagers and their chaperones each grasped the hand of the person before and behind and began to climb through the chilly rushing water.

            The guides had combined our group with a few others. This was especially troubling for one of our girls, who found herself following a portly stranger in a Speedo.

After a few minutes in the waterfall, our boys pranced as sure-footedly as the leader, but I continued to struggle. As I ascended, I grew wetter and colder, while the rocks seemed steeper and more slippery. Our human chain had long ago disintegrated, but my friend Vicky gripped my left hand, and my student Becky clutched my right. In some places they almost carried me up the cascade. With their strong support, the situation became less frightening, and I experienced the thrill of reaching the top.

Pondering this milestone, I’ve concluded that what I face daily feels more threatening than slippery rocks in a waterfall. So I’m thankful for five different Psalms—37, 66, 73, 94, and 121—which tell how God keeps his child’s feet from slipping while climbing through the difficulties and dangers of life. My favorite includes this verse:

When I said, “My foot is slipping,” your love, O Lord, supported me. Psalm 94:18, NIV

If I had been on the NIV translation committee, I would have used "screamed" instead of "said," and added multiple exclamation points after "slipping." Maybe we need a Bible paraphrase for overly emotional people who experience life more intensely. But I digress.

Thanks to Vicky and Becky, I cherish a tangible memory of what God’s supporting love feels like. I thank God for his love that keeps me from crashing on the rocks and for the friends he’s given to share the climb.

Are you smarter than a WCA student?

             I got so busy tweaking my midterm exams that I neglected my blog. So I decided to share some actual exam questions with you. And if some actual students see the questions, it's no big deal. There are hundreds more where these came from.

From my Old Testament Tour 2 exam:

_____ 1.  A Hebrew word that means “kinsman-redeemer” or “close relative” is
A) hesed
B) ga’al
C) shophetim
D) torah

_____ 2.  In Ruth 2:12, God is pictured as:
A) a burning bush
B) an angry judge
C) a mother bird
D) a shepherd

_____ 3. A Hebrew word that is translated “judges” is
A) hesed.
B) melech.
C) shophetim.
D) torah.

_____ 4. Fat King Eglon of Moab was killed by
A) Samson.
B) Shamgar the Philly Killer.
C) Ehud “Lefty” Ben Gera.
D) Deborah.

_____ 5. Gideon defeated
A) Ammonites.
B) Mennonites.
C) Midianites.
D) Termites.

From my English exam, a question on The Giver by Lois Lowry.

_____ 1. In the Community, this is how a couple gets children:

         A. Birthmothers produce three children in three years.

         B. Children are created in test tubes.

         C. After three years of marriage, a couple may apply to receive children.

         D. Your biology teacher will explain.

And a question about fiction terminology:

“Though the rest of us had finished eating thirty minutes earlier, Fred revisited the all-you-can-eat-buffet for the ninth time, and returned to our table balancing plates laden with mashed potatoes, macaroni and cheese, stuffing, pork chops, meatloaf, hot wings, and a diet Pepsi.”

Is this an example of direct exposition or indirect revelation?

From my Old Testament Tour 1 exam:

_____ 1. If Israel obeyed God’s laws, they would

A. live happily ever after.

B. live long and prosper.

C. have a nice day.

_____ 2. According to Dr. Laura, Israel became a free nation when

A. they received the Ten Commandments.

B. they entered the Promised Land.

C. they escaped slavery in Egypt.

From my Cults & World Religions exam:

1. Muhammad spread Islam by

a. giving alms to the poor.

b. conquering or killing his opponents.

c. teaching the Qur’an to seekers.

d. posting teachings on his blog.

2. What do Wiccans believe about salvation?

    a. It is earned by animal and/or human sacrifice to Satan.

   b. It is earned by good works and white magick.

   c. Since there is no sin, there is no need of salvation.

3. Characterize Brigham Young’s attitude toward African Americans.

a. Loving

b. Racist

c. Tolerant

Are you smarter than a WCA student? Send me your answers and I’ll tell you your grade. Exams start Wednesday.

Bold Approach

            I can explain the flashback.

            As a child I had eagerly watched The Wizard of Oz whenever it played on television. Not only that, I had read The Wonderful Wizard of Oz and the rest of the books in the Oz series by original author L. Frank Baum and also the ones by Ruth Plumly Thompson. (There’s nothing like Wikipedia to jog the aging memory. It even provides pictures of the original covers, making me warm and fuzzy with a nostalgia overdose.)

            Not only that, I wanted to live in Oz. I wanted to be Dorothy. In my mind I was Dorothy. If you doubt my obsession, contact my sister Taffy, the quilt maker. (www.taffyspaloss.blogspot.com) A couple of years ago she presented me with a quilt featuring scenes from the movie:  Dorothy walks down the yellow brick road, arms linked with the Scarecrow, Tin Man, and Cowardly Lion. Ruby slippers and striped stockings stick out from beneath a house. The green-faced witch gazes into her crystal ball. You get the idea. And the back of the quilt is a field of poppies, the magic poppies that made Dorothy and the Lion sleep.

            I was thrilled to receive the quilt. (I would share a photo if I only had a brain.) My inner child would gladly return to Oz in the time it takes to click my heels together.

            The Wizard of Oz was my gateway drug into speculative fiction. Oz made is possible for me to subsequently inhabit Middle Earth, the Alpha Quadrant of Star Trek, the Whorl of Firebird by Kathy Tyers, and some random planets a long time ago in a galaxy far away.

            But that’s a blog for another day. I wanted to tell you about the flashback.

            One Sunday in the Watsontown Baptist Church, I was belting out a Charles Wesley hymn, and sang these lines: 

“Bold I approach th’eternal throne
And claim the crown, through Christ, my own.”

            Suddenly, without leaving the pew, I was back in Oz. I saw Dorothy, the Scarecrow, the Tin Man, and the Cowardly Lion quaking as they approached a smoking and flashing image of the Great and Powerful Oz on his throne. The wizard was revealed to be a sham who couldn’t grant any of their requests.               

             I continued singing.

            Wesley probably had Hebrews 4:16 in mind when he wrote his hymn. “Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need” (NKJV). I sure had it in mind as I sang it.

            Many believers—and I include myself on occasion—tiptoe nervously to God’s throne like Dorothy and her friends, but God’s Word urges us to approach boldly. Many believers—guilty again—doubt God’s desire or ability to help them, but the Apostle Paul insists God “is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us” (Ephesians 3:20, NIV).

            In fiction, Dorothy experienced disappointment when she realized the wizard was a fraud. In real life, believers experience satisfaction when they approach the eternal throne and remember that God is their powerful, forgiving, loving father.

Flying Money

            A few years ago I was surprised to receive a thank-you letter, and amazed to find a check for $50 in the envelope. I pondered the possibilities this little windfall offered:  Lunch at a restaurant with my girlfriends, a guilt-free visit to the book section at Ollie’s, or a new wardrobe from the thrift store.

            Then I recalled that my friends Lucy and Dan, Bible translators in Mali, Africa, had mentioned a fund to buy grain for nationals affected by drought and famine. Their letter said that $15 would feed an African family for a month. Remembering “God loves a cheerful giver,” (2 Corinthians 9:7) I decided I could cheerfully give $30, and still have $20 left to spend on something fun for myself. I quickly sent a check, since the need was immediate.

            And what did I do with the remaining $20? I have no idea what happened to that cash, as I experienced the truth of Proverbs 23:5:  “Cast but a glance at riches, and they are gone, for they will surely sprout wings and fly off to the sky like an eagle.” My fun money sprouted wings and flew away in one dollar increments. It saddened me to realize I missed the opportunity to invest more in my Father’s business.

            This December, I again witnessed the phenomenon of winged ones (and fives and tens and twenties). Unexpected dough arrived from three different sources, making Christmas shopping easier, and funding a much needed gad-about day with my good friend Robin. But too much of the money flew away while I thought only of my family, my friends, and myself. I forgot to bless those outside my little circle.

            I’ve often contemplated the relationship between guilt, gratitude, and giving. I’d like to figure it out and write about it. Maybe there’s a New Year’s resolution in there somewhere.

            In the meantime, maybe you’d like to join me in this prayer:

            Dear Father, Cultivate in your children a spirit that responds generously to those who hurt and need, and give us wisdom to use all the gifts you give us to the glory of Jesus Christ. Amen.

The Eight Nights of Hanukkah

            The frenzy of Christmas is behind us—unless you count making returns, spending gift cards, and stocking up on wrap and cards for next year’s frenzy. Yesterday in Manhattan I witnessed the removal of the “Believe” banners that had been fluttering above the sidewalk outside Macy’s. Sad.

            However, Hanukkah continues one more night. So for my Jewish ancestors, relatives, and friends, and my Gentile students who have lit the menorah and eaten the latkes (but sadly not sufganiyot, maybe next year), I present my Yiddishized version of the Twelve Days of Christmas. (It’s a word if I say it’s a word.)

            When I shared this with my friend Israel Cohen, he said it had been done before, and even pointed me to some You Tube renditions. After watching them, I replied, “But not as well.”

            So please enjoy the best lyrics (mine) to the Eight Nights of Hanukkah. Please tell me when they appear on You Tube.

On the first night of Hanukkah my bubbe gave to me

A menorah from Eretz Yisrael.

On the second night of Hanukkah my bubbe gave to me

Two spinning dreidels

And a menorah from Eretz Yisrael.

On the third night of Hanukkah my bubbe gave to me

Three patriarchs

Two spinning dreidels

And a menorah from Eretz Yisrael.

On the fourth night of Hanukkah my bubbe gave to me

Four fighting Macabees

Three patriarchs

Two spinning dreidels

And a menorah from Eretz Yisrael.

On the fifth night of Hanukkah my bubbe gave to me

Five pieces of gelt

Four fighting Macabees

Three patriarchs

Two spinning dreidels

And a menorah from Eretz Yisrael.

On the sixth night of Hanukkah my bubbe gave to me

Six potato latkes

Five pieces of gelt

Four fighting Macabees

Three patriarchs

Two spinning dreidels

And a menorah from Eretz Yisrael.

On the seventh night of Hanukkah my bubbe gave to me

Seven sufganiyot

Six potato latkes

Five pieces of gelt

Four fighting Macabees

Three patriarchs

Two spinning dreidels

And a menorah from Eretz Yisrael.

On the eighth night of Hanukkah my bubbe gave to me

Eight glowing candles

Seven sufganiyot

Six potato latkes

Five pieces of gelt

Four fighting Macabees

Three patriarchs

Two spinning dreidels

And a menorah from Eretz Yisrael.