Friday, May 29, 2015


Getting read to enjoy a
few Krispy Kreme donuts.
Not a Dunkin Donut, which will do in a pinch. (My preferred there is a plain cake donut.) Not even a Krispy Kreme Donut, best enjoyed with hot coffee after an early winter’s morning drive to the mothership in Scranton.

No, I discovered on Memorial Day weekend that D is for a doughnut from the Fractured Prune in Ocean City, New Jersey. My favorite beach town has long been a doughnut haven. In the halcyon** days of my family’s younger years, we usually rented our bikes from a business that rewarded us with a free fresh donut and a free beverage when we returned the bikes. And I have salivated in the long lines stretching down the Boardwalk in front of Ove’s and Brown’s. I have watched donuts travel through a mysterious machine, be baptized in bubbling oil and then resurrected to golden brown life. And I have rejoiced.

So many varieties. So little money.

But on the holiday weekend I switched lines. At the Fractured Prune, each doughnut is custom created from myriad** choices to the customer’s specifications.

My mouth was not big enough. (Insert joke here.)
I had to use a knife and fork.
 I ordered a breakfast sandwich whose “bread” was French toast doughnuts. (I realize I have a subject-verb disagreement in the previous sentence, but there was nothing disagreeable about the sandwich.) I imagine the two doughnuts, eggs, bacon, and cheddar cheese added up to about a gazillion calories, but I didn’t care. I ate every crumb. And I rejoiced.

This picture is four years old. I recognize the mom.
I think the little boy grew into the very capable teen who waited on us.

**And you thought you’d never get to use your Vocabulary Workshop words!

Thursday, May 21, 2015

C is for CRAZE.

According to, a craze is “a popular or widespread fad, fashion…or mania.” The Brits agree with this definition, “a short-lived current fashion” or “a wild or exaggerated enthusiasm.”

Vinnie Antonelli, played by Steve Martin,
finds love and veg-e-ta-bles at the supermarket.
I’ve noticed over the last few months that CAULIFLOWER has become a craze. I can’t scroll down Facebook without running into a delicious picture of cauliflower, accompanied by a recipe, and followed by dozens of enthusiastic comments. The goal seems to be to combine the veg-e-ta-ble (pronounced like Steve Martin does in My Blue Heaven) with an alarming number of ingredients not found in my kitchen so that it no longer looks or tastes like cauliflower. 

 For example, some powerful wizard transformed these florets into faux chicken drumsticks, using only 13 ingredients and a deep fryer, which I don’t own.

What is aginamotto? It sounds like heart disease. Who is Garam Masala and where is his homeland? What is Chilly Powder? Will it cool the recipe? Alas, the wizard can cast a spell on cauliflower, but cannot spell Chili Powder.

Maybe it’s the photo that’s faux and not the drumsticks. After all, the recipe doesn’t list Chicken Bones with the ingredients, yet there they are sticking out of the so-called cauliflower florets.

Still, I hate to miss out on an important national craze, so when I shopped at the Surplus Outlet this week, I bought a 2 pound bag of frozen florets. Tonight after I removed my slightly over-cooked chicken from the oven (sorry, I had fallen asleep in front of the TV) I steamed a pot of cauliflower. While that cooked, I microwaved some leftover Tostitos CHEESE DIP.

It only took one added ingredient to make the cauliflower taste not so much like cauliflower. And the cheese dip improved the dry chicken as well. 

Call me craze-y.

Thursday, May 14, 2015

B is for...

This is the second week in Sue Fairchild's A to Z Blog Challenge, featuring the popular letter B.

B is for BOOKS. Books make me happy, unless they’re poorly written, and then they BOTHER me. Misspelled words, incorrect punctuation, and whiplash POV changes make me say BYE to a book.

B is also for BROSIUS. That’s me, at least for the last 39 years and 11 months. 

Today, B is mostly for a BOOK by BROSIUS, which you may now pre-order at The book is Surviving Jamaica, the sequel with your favorite characters from Surviving Meemaw.

Lastly, B is for BAIT. I’m hoping by reading the first chapter of the new book, you will take the bait and buy it. So I’m including the first chapter on this very blog. 

                                Chapter 1
            “We’ll be perfectly safe, honey. Jesus will take care of us.”
            Why does Meemaw’s pronouncement from several minutes ago give me no comfort as I cling to the armrest of seat 23E, the knuckles on my right hand turning white? Oh, yeah, it’s because that’s what she says right after she plows through a red light in her taxi cab yellow PT Cruiser. Or when I mention, “You’re going the wrong way on a one-way street!”
            My friendboy Joshua Gold peels my frozen fingers from the armrest. “Chill, Laney. Remember what your grandmother said—”
            I cut him off even while transferring my death grip to his hand. “Yeah, yeah, I know. Jesus will take care of us.” My terror almost prevents me from quoting Meem in a sarcastic sing-song voice. Almost.
            Josh has the window seat, and the bright sunlight behind him makes me squint.
            “But we’re on a plane!” I wail. “This is worse than Meem’s driving. I mean…what’s even holding this monstrosity up in the air?” I never took physics, so I honestly don’t know.
            “The Law of Aerodynamics,” Josh replies. “And Jesus. I’ve flown dozens of times with my parents. Flying is the safest form of transportation, safer than walking.”
            I would ask him where he went those dozens of times if the Lucky Charms from my early morning breakfast weren’t undulating in my stomach like the water below us. If we crash, we’ll have to use our seats as flotation devices. It’s not really comforting to think they’ll come apart easily enough to do that.
            “Just keep holding onto me,” he says. He gestures with his free hand. “Look how relaxed Calvin is.” Surprising me, I hear no annoyance in Josh’s voice. He and Calvin had some mysterious feud in their past before I knew either of them.
            Calvin Berger reclines in the aisle seat, headphones in, dark hair falling on his forehead, apparently asleep.
            I loosen my grip slightly thinking Josh shouldn’t get scars from fingernail impressions until his future wife gives birth. Mature, religious, rock-solid Joshua Gold will make a great husband someday. And since he got his braces off and his skin is clearing, it seems likely he will attract a girl eventually. Maybe even Kimberly, his friend since childhood for whom he secretly pines. I think Kim, my friend for only a couple of months, secretly pines back.
            Josh squeezes my hand and, apparently mistaking my silence for calmness, buries his headphones into his protruding ears and directs his gaze to the movie playing on the tiny screen on the back of the seat in front of him.
            I almost squeal as a hand slips around my left hand. I don’t have to look to know it’s Calvin’s hand because the zing starts in my fingertips and quickly shoots throughout my body. I look anyway and see the smirk on Calvin’s face while his eyes remain closed in fake sleep.
            I usually love my boyfriend’s zing, but now it intensifies the Lucky Charms’ jig in my stomach. I eye the air sickness bag tucked in the pocket in front of the Air Mall catalog. I really don’t want to puke between the two most important guys in my life.
            I grab the bag, climb over Calvin, and sprint down the narrow aisle toward the restroom, actually leaping over a small child returning to his seat. I’ll have to go out for track this year.
            Thank God the little room is not occupado and the toilet lid is already up as I lose my breakfast and half my guts. I officially hate flying. When I’m pretty sure I’m done, I flush and watch the pukey blueish liquid swirl away. Where does it go? Into the ocean? Another airline mystery.
            I lavez les mains—the sign is in English, French, and Spanish—and rinse my mouth at the tiny sink before exiting the restroom.
            I feel tons better with an empty stomach. I proceed slowly up the aisle, trying to remember where Meemaw is sitting. I hear her excited voice before I spot her graying red curls.
            “We don’t have to remain separated from God because He sent His Son, Jesus, to bring us back to God.”
            Oh no. Meemaw has a large Jamaican man trapped between her and the window. He’s not getting off this flight without considering his soul’s eternal destiny. I could save him from Meem, but then he would know I am with her. Well, it’s not like I’m ever going to see him again….
            I slip into the empty aisle seat, but before I can distract Meemaw, the man exclaims, “Praise ta Lawd, Mama! Do you love my Jesus?”
            As the hallelujahs elevate, I slink away, hoping no one noticed my five- second identification with my grandmother. Internationally Embarrassed, the story of my life. I wonder who will play me in the movie.
            I squeeze past Calvin, still sleeping or feigning sleep, and settle into my seat.
            “You okay?” Josh asks.
            “Yeah, thanks. I think I am.”
            “Good, because we are going to have an amazing time.”
            “How could we not?” I reply.
            How could we not? I’m going to spend ten days on a Caribbean island in the middle of February. So while everybody stuck in Central Pennsylvania is complaining about the coldest, snowiest, iciest winter in years, I’ll be enjoying eighty degree temperatures and warm sand. With my friends from school. And my boyfriend.
            And my grandmother. Crud. She’s how I could not have an amazing time.
         It’s not like seventy-something Meemaw could be left behind. If not for her Puppetry class at Millburgh Christian Academy, we wouldn’t be going to Jamaica. The whole senior class joined Puppetry when they found out a mission trip to Jamaica would be our senior trip. That’s only twelve kids plus me because our school is pathetically small, but I’ve realized over the last few months I’d rather be with those twelve kids than the hundred at Millburgh Area.
            And then there’s Josh. He technically shouldn’t be with us though he is by far the best puppeteer. He doesn’t go to MCA, but he belongs to Meemaw’s other Puppet Team. When Meem broke her hip in November, right after she started teaching the Puppetry class in exchange for my tuition, Josh took over for her. The powers that be at Millburgh Area even let him leave school early a couple of times a week because Josh’s dad thought it would look good on a résumé.
            So that’s why I’m cruising 31,000 feet above the ocean (according to the pilot, and why would he lie?) nestled between my friendboy and my boyfriend, hoping to step onto Jamaican soil instead of crashing into the cold waves.
            “Look! That’s Cuba.” Josh points out the window. “We’re almost there.”
            Oh, good. Maybe we’ll crash on land instead of into the water. Is that better or worse?

Thursday, May 7, 2015

A is for...

Today Sue Fairchild’s A to Z blog challenge begins with the letter A. Sue gave me a schedule that stretches into October with instructions to write about anything beginning with that week’s featured letter. (The schedule is included at the bottom of this post.)

I thought about making a list of things that annoy me, but I thought the list itself might annoy you. Then I considered writing about angels. I may do that eventually, but not today. I finally settled on Vocabulary Workshop words that start with A.

 For several years as an “acting English teacher,” I enjoyed using Jerome Shostak’s Vocabulary Workshop series. In fact, I even created St. Jerome’s Vocabulary Coterie and St. Jerome’s Elite Vocabulary Coterie to honor students best described as smartypants.

So I was happy today to revisit the series and amazed to see all the online components available.  I created a quiz for you, my blog readers, using 15 Level G words. I made it super easy with only two options per word. Choose the correct option and determine if you, too, are a smartypants.

1. acquisitive
likes to take a quiz
likes to acquire stuff
2. arrogate
a gate protected by archers
to claim presumptuously
3. accost
the price of an item
to confront boldly
4. animadversion
opposite of anigladversion
5. avid
something you play in your VHS player
6. articulate
opposite of articuearly
clearly spoken
7. asseverate
to declare earnestly
to remove hindquarters
8. atrophy
what you get at the sports banquet
what happens to your muscles when you give up sports
9. acuity
a good looking guy
sharp vision to notice the guy
10. abject
utterly hopeless
what your defense attorney does
11. allay
a narrow road
to lessen or relieve something
12. allege
what the pigeons sit on
to assert without proof
13. arrant
when your teacher won’t stop yelling at you
14. acclamation
a loud shout of approval
a loud shout at a clam bake
15. askance
with suspicion
what your virus protection runs

How did you do? No, I’m not giving you the answers! Go to like I did.

Here’s the Blog Challenge Chart. 
What would you like me to write about? Keeping with the theme of my blog (wit, words, and the Word), it should be witty, wordy, or about the Word. I welcome your suggestions. Thanks.

Here’s a link to Sue Fairchild’s blog:

Here’s a link to Vocabulary Workshop: