How to Hibernate

A Facebook and church friend posted, “When does hibernation start? Because I am 100% participating in that.”

 I glibly responded, “With the first snowflake. I think we have to eat a lot of bacon first. Those are the survival rules.” Then I realized it is wrong to be cavalier about such an important endeavor. Maybe people want to hibernate, but remain fuzzy about hibernation procedures.

With cold weather fast approaching, consider this post a Public Service Announcement.

1. Decide to hibernate. Who should hibernate? Do you love to ski, snow board, ice skate? Does ice fishing excite you? You should not hibernate. Go away. You are making us cold.

2. Choose a hibernation location. Is there a heat source? One that doesn’t require you to go outside and chop firewood or shovel buckets of coal? Are the walls, windows, and roof insulated? Are the floors radiant like in those mansions on HGTV?

When hibernating, you want
to stay on this side of the window.

Is there a food source? One that doesn’t require you to clean snow off your car and drive through ice and slush to a grocery store? Do you have a cellar full of home canned goods? How about store bought canned soups? Do you have phone numbers for Chinese and Italian restaurants that will send daring teenagers out in a blizzard to bring you General Tso’s Chicken and cheap three topping pizzas? Will Blue Apron, Plated, or HelloFresh deliver to your front door expensive gourmet food for you to cook while you flirt with your loving spouse? Don’t forget the bacon.

 3. Choose hibernation activities. Do you like to hang out in bed all day, sometimes sleeping, sometimes reading, sometimes watching the telly? Do you subscribe to Netflix or another movie and TV subscription service? Choose a variety of series to binge watch. I recommend series with seven or more seasons, such as Star Trek the Next Generation, Star Trek Deep Space Nine, and Star Trek Voyager. (By the time Captain Janeway gets her crew home from the Delta Quadrant, the first crocuses will be peeking through the melting snow.)

Warm up with a great book.

Procure a Kindle or other e-reader before the first snowfall or you may find yourself with no books to read and miles of icy roads between you and your public library or favorite bookstore. With your Kindle, you can read thousands of cheap and even free books between now and spring training. Of course, you can get a free Kindle APP for your computer, but it’s awkward to cuddle up in bed with a laptop. (You will definitely want to read Surviving Meemaw, and Surviving Jamaica will make you feel so sun-drenched you might even get out from under your comforter for a few minutes.)

 4. Choose hibernation attire. Do you have a supply of sweat pants or yoga pants? Do you have warm hoodies? Do you have thick, fuzzy socks? Do you have slippers that are not slippery, so that you will not slip down the stairs and break your hip like Meemaw did in Surviving Meemaw? Where did you put that Snuggie you received for Christmas a few years ago? It’s not as silly looking as you thought now that you are planning to hibernate.

Snuggle up in a second generation stylish Snuggie.

 5. Choose hibernation friends. I recommend other hibernators. People who leave the house to go to work, school, malls, and church will just pull you down. Plan to connect electronically during your hibernation. Use your cell phone and computer for social media. Caution:  Some of your Facebook friends may be taking tropical cruises while you are hibernating. Unfriend them or at least hide their feeds. You don’t need that kind of negativity in your life.

6. Choose a hibernation end date. Study the Farmer’s Almanac and watch the Weather Channel to determine when Spring may actually arrive. Add six weeks to that date. Pay no attention to that mixed-up groundhog.

When the end date arrives, verify its veracity before venturing outside. Has the snow melted? Do trees have leaves? Are flowers blooming? Is grass green? Is major league baseball on ESPN? If so, proceed with your end of hibernation activities:  Shave your legs. Take a long, hot shower. Go get a spa pedicure and manicure. Meet your girlfriends for lunch. Go back to church and tell your pastor a vague, medical sounding excuse for your long absence. Assure him that while you watched many TV preachers during your time away, none of them preaches as well as he does.

7. Congratulate yourself! You are a first class hibernator.