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| Is that a spot for a floppy disk? |
I
wrote this essay a long time ago; it was last saved to my computer on June 10,
2000. Not this computer, but several
computers ago, years before I purchased my very own laptop.
Go
ahead and read it. Maybe it will give you a chuckle before I add some serious
thoughts I’ve had lately.
The
Virtuous Woman vs. Me
I
have a problem with that Proverbs 31 woman—the one you’re always hearing about
on Mother’s Day. What’s with that dame?
She is worth more than rubies. Maybe
we’re not all that different. I’m always telling my husband there’s not enough
gold in the world—or chocolate—to pay
for what I do.
She selects wool and flax and works with
eager hands. My hands were eager to sew matching dresses for my daughters.
God sent me a houseful of sons instead. I patch jeans. Does that count?
She is like the merchant ship, bringing her
food from afar. I just stop at Weis Markets since it’s on the way home from
work. I guess that’s okay, since all the merchant ships deliver there.
She gets up while it is still dark and
provides food for her family. I too get up while it’s still dark, but the
boys are too grouchy to eat breakfast. “You never buy any good cereal. I’ll
just get a donut during my second period study hall.”
And portions for her servant girls. Hold
on, honey! She has servant girls? No one gave me any servant girls! No wonder I
can’t keep up.
She considers a field and buys it; out of
her earnings she plants a vineyard. She’s into real estate. Wow. All of my
money is tied up in precious metals—the braces on my son’s teeth.
Her lamp does not go out at night.
Neither do my washer and dryer. Not when someone remembers at 10:00 p.m. that
his track uniform is dirty.
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| I wish! |
She opens her arms to the poor and extends
her hands to the needy. I don’t know if they’re poor or needy, but every
day my home is filled with neighborhood children playing video games and
munching snacks that the merchant ships brought from afar.
When it snows, she has no fear for her
household; for all of them are clothed in scarlet. Of course she has no
fear when it snows. She’s not the one surrounded by boys eagerly watching the
school cancellations on TV. Their snow gear, not necessarily scarlet, is lying
in soggy piles all over the kitchen floor.
Her husband is respected at the city gate,
where he takes his seat among the elders of the land. Is that where he is?
I’m keeping his supper warm in the oven.
She makes linen garments and sells them, and
supplies the merchants with sashes. I had a yard sale once.
She speaks with wisdom, and faithful
instruction is on her tongue. My tongue, too, but nobody can hear me over
the TV.
Her children arise and call her blessed.
I can hardly get mine to arise in time for the school bus.
Give her the reward she has earned, and let
her works bring her praise at the city gate. The only reward I want is a
few more hours of sleep. And maybe some chocolate.
Okay,
now it’s July 2016, and time for a few serious thoughts. In the five
translations I checked, Proverbs 31:10 is phrased as a question. (In two of
them, it’s phrased as a question asked by Yoda. Sorry. Even my serious thoughts won’t stay serious.) Feel free to
check the other forty-nine versions available at www.biblegateway.com yourself.
My
point is, it’s a rhetorical question.
www.dictionary.com says a rhetorical
question is “a question asked solely to produce an effect or to make an
assertion and not to elicit a reply, as ‘What is so rare as a day in June?’.”
As for the definition of rhetorical,
the same website provides
“adjective
1. used for,
belonging to, or concerned with mere style or effect.
2. marked by or
tending to use exaggerated language or bombast.
3. of, relating
to, or concerned with rhetoric,
or the effective use of language. “
Who
can find the Proverbs 31 woman?
No
one.
Because
she doesn’t exist. She’s an idealized template of what King Lemuel’s mom (see
Proverbs 31:1) wanted him to marry. She’s an idealized template from three
thousand years ago. Yes, yes, don’t post angry, hateful comments; I agree there
are principles here that can be extracted and applied.
I’d just like to see Christian women stop
beating themselves up over this one chapter.
The
Bible, a big book with lots of chapters, includes some alternatives to the
Proverbs 31 template. Granted, most of the Bible’s heroes are men, but there
are some heroic women in there, too.
How
about the Judges 4 woman, Deborah?
How
about the Ruth 1 – 4 woman, Ruth?
How
about the 1 Samuel 25 woman, Abigail?
How
about the 2 Kings 25 woman, Huldah?
How
about the Esther 1 – 10 woman, Esther?
How
about the Luke 1- 2 woman, Mary?
How
about the Acts 18 woman, Priscilla?
I’m
all fired up! How about I write about some of these women in upcoming blog
posts? I think I will.
